18+ Adult comedy: strong language, crude humour and alien anatomy jokes. For readers 18 and over.Adult comedy, for readers 18 and over.

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BakerfieldUnearthed
H-ED clearance 0/10

Season One · Nothing Happens Here · ten books

Five idiots. One alien. The worst town in America.

Something crashes in the woods behind Sam Whitmore's house on a Tuesday in October. By Wednesday it is living in his mother's garage, eating cheese snacks by the fistful and wearing a t-shirt that says NOT AN ALIEN. The t-shirt works on every adult in Bakerfield, Ohio. It works on no children.

Read Book One's cold open See all ten books

Sam's garage at night: the roll-up door half open, green light spilling out, a three-foot alien in a NOT AN ALIEN t-shirt waving from the driveway, Kevin in a lawn chair with a bag of Cheddar Saturns, and a man in sunglasses watching from the bushes.
The Bakerfield welcome sign, Why Not? Pop. 12,000, beside a two-lane road under a grey sky: a row of identical houses, the water tower, telephone poles, and an empty bag of Cheddar Saturns on the verge.

The town · Bakerfield, Ohio

Bakerfield: Gateway to Somewhere Why Not?

The strip malls are half empty. The Slush-O machine at the EZ-STOP has been broken for four years. The Fighting Possums lose every game by exactly enough. Nobody here has ever been chosen for anything, until the universe, with its usual sense of humor, drops the most important visitor in human history into the least qualified hands on the planet.

  • Population 12,000
  • Built 1962, for an Air Force radar station
  • Station closed 1987. The town kept the houses and lost the reason.

Five young men who peaked in middle school, and one Level-3 Observer from the Department of Interplanetary Observation who would rather watch them than go home.

A police lineup against a height chart headed 'Nobody here is an alien'. Left to right: Eddie, 19, seven blond spikes and a flaming-skull tank top; Carlos, 20, red plaid flannel and an EZ-STOP name tag; Sam, 18, red hoodie; Zog, 247, three feet tall and green in a NOT AN ALIEN t-shirt; Li, 19, round glasses and a tucked grey shirt; Kevin, 18, green patched jacket and a bag of Cheddar Saturns.

H-ED · Subject file

Eddie Kowalski

Age 19 · the volume

Held back a year for failing gym, which he maintains is not a real subject. Seven blond spikes, a flaming-skull tank top and a story about a bear, which you will hear.

Read Eddie's H-ED file

H-ED · Subject file

Carlos Reyes

Age 20 · the shoulders

Works the register at the EZ-STOP and takes one class at the community college. The only one of them with a working family, and the first to set a place at it for a three-foot alien.

Read Carlos's H-ED file

H-ED · Subject file

Sam Whitmore

Age 18 · the garage

He has the garage, which in this group makes him the leader. Before every plan he says it is going to suck. He is always right, and he always goes.

Read Sam's H-ED file

H-ED · Subject file

Zog

Age 247 Zogarian years · the heart

A Level-3 Observer from Planet Zogar who learned English from television. He does not use contractions, and he has ruled that the taco, which he calls folded meat bread, is humanity's greatest achievement.

Read Zog's H-ED file

H-ED · Subject file

Li Wei Chen

Age 19 · the glasses

Deferred college for a year to be the paid lab assistant at his old high school. Right about ninety-four percent of the time, and listened to about twelve.

Read Li's H-ED file

H-ED · Subject file

Kevin Marsh

Age 18 · the couch

Has been on the same couch in Sam's garage since ninth grade. He met a visitor from another planet, said “Cool.” and went back to his Cheddar Saturns.

Read Kevin's H-ED file

Open the H-ED files

Nothing Happens Here

Ten books, read in order. Each one is a complete episode, from the cold open to Zog's log, and together they make one story with a real ending.

  1. Cover of The Alien Butthole Invasion Book One The Alien Butthole Invasion First contact went surprisingly well. Second contact kicked in the garage door.
  2. Cover of Zog Goes to School Book Two Zog Goes to School Enrolling the alien went fine. The toilet did not.
  3. Cover of Food Fight Book Three Food Fight First you test every food on Earth on the alien. Then he meets your mother.
  4. Cover of The Social Alien Book Four The Social Alien The alien went viral. The cover story is a watermelon.
  5. Cover of Zog Falls in Love Book Five Zog Falls in Love A lonely alien falls hard for a garden gnome. The gnome declines to comment.
  6. Cover of Bubble Boy Book Six Bubble Boy After twenty-eight days in a bubble, the only man the disguise can’t fool gets four hundred dollars and a fake mustache.
  7. Cover of Tech Support Book Seven Tech Support The smartest computer in the galaxy finally gets online, and five idiots ask it to do pre-algebra.
  8. Cover of The Sleepover Book Eight The Sleepover Zog finally falls asleep. His dreams stay up all night.
  9. Cover of Alien Fight Club Book Nine Alien Fight Club Nobody can get hurt inside an alien force field, and Eddie is charging five dollars to prove it.
  10. Cover of Visitors from Above Book Ten Visitors from Above Earth gets its first inspection in four thousand years, and the only town anyone can show the inspector is Bakerfield.

Three strange experiments and a transmission. Try the Food Lab, sneak past Buckley, or volunteer for a probe that has misunderstood its job.

The Food Lab

Feed Zog. Watch his stomach.

Jalapeño, donut, milk, peanut butter, taco. His stomach is translucent and his biology is not negotiable.

Stakeout · a game

Hide Zog from Agent Buckley.

Flashlight sweeps, snack bags, and a federal agent whose trousers fall down at the worst possible moment, for him.

Probe Panic · a game

Volunteer. Regret the paperwork.

The scanner promised a routine examination. It is investigating snack opinions, laundry and the limits of government stationery.

Zog's Logs

> I remain disguised.
> The shirt continues to work.
> [encrypted: mark Book One read]

Ten transmissions to a planet that is not listening. Each one decodes as you read.