18+ Adult comedy: strong language, crude humour and alien anatomy jokes. For readers 18 and over.Adult comedy, for readers 18 and over.

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BakerfieldUnearthed
H-ED clearance 0/10

A game · keyboard or touch · five stakeouts, about five minutes

The NOT AN ALIEN shirt works on almost every adult in Bakerfield. It does not work on Agent Dale Buckley, who has a flashlight. Get Zog to the Cheddar Saturns and back into hiding before the flashlight finds him, and move when the trousers fall.

How to play

Move
Left and right arrow keys, or A and D. On a touchscreen, the arrow buttons under the game.
Hide
Down or S (or the Hide button) when Zog is next to something he can crouch behind. Press a direction again, or Up, to come out.
The flashlight
The shirt does not work on Buckley. If the beam touches Zog while he is out in the open, the stakeout is over. Try again; Buckley will not remember.
Buckley
Do not walk into him. He is a trained federal agent and he will notice a leg. When he stops and a question mark goes up, he is about to turn round.
The trousers
They fall at random. For three seconds he stands still with the flashlight on the floor. That is when you move, including past him.
Getting home
Take every bag, then get back to where Zog started.
Score
Bags × time bonus. One star for getting home, two for beating par, three for a time Buckley would call impossible.
Pause
P or Escape. The game also pauses when you switch away. Sound is off until you turn it on.

Fictional field note · not from the novels

Operation Stakeout

Subject
Approximately three feet tall. Green. Wearing a shirt that says NOT AN ALIEN.
Assessment
Definitely an alien.
Status
This stakeout does not happen in the books. Agent Buckley has asked for it to be entered into the record. Request denied.
This isn't over.

The five stakeouts

  1. Stakeout 1 · Starfighter Lane · 9:40 p.m.

    The garage

    Three bags of Cheddar Saturns, one federal agent, and a couch that is Kevin's permanent station. Tonight it is cover.

    Get back to: the couch

  2. Stakeout 2 · Home of the Fighting Possums · after the late bell

    Bakerfield High, east hallway

    Four bags, a floor Doug has just mopped, and Locker 247, which is Zog's. Nobody has noticed the number.

    Get back to: Locker 247

  3. Stakeout 3 · Main Street strip mall · 11:10 p.m.

    The EZ-STOP

    The sign says 24 HOURS. The store closed at eleven. The Slush-O machine has been broken for four years; the door chime has not.

    Get back to: the counter

  4. Stakeout 4 · South end of Main Street · after dark

    Bakerfield Park

    One swing works. The slide has been scheduled for cleaning for seven years. The juniper by the slide is where Zog hides things.

    Get back to: the juniper

  5. Stakeout 5 · Starfighter Lane · later

    Sam's street

    Buckley has been jogging past the house. He thinks it looks natural. Five bags between the corner and the garage.

    Get back to: the garage

Best scores and unlocked stakeouts are saved in this browser only. Nothing is sent anywhere.