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The garage · controlled dietary assessment

The Food Lab

Zog's stomach is translucent, so you can watch Earth food happen to him. Pick something off the bench. Li is taking notes.

Subject: Zog Baseline

  • Lab clock stopped

Notebook · Li Wei Chen

Controlled dietary assessment

Subject: Zog, Level-3 Observer. 1.07 m (3 ft 6 in), about 18 kg (40 lb). Stomach: translucent. Newest trial first.

  1. Trial 00 · Baseline Control

    Result
    Standing on the workbench. No reaction. Asking what the notebook is for.
    Zog
    “I am happy to be science. Please do not probe anything.”
    Kevin
    “So you're experimenting on the alien.”
    Li
    “It's a controlled dietary assessment.”

Li's chart, as taped to the garage wall

Zog food reactions

  • Spicy levitation

    He rises straight up at about a foot a second, glowing brighter, shirt dangling. Height scales with heat.

    Onset
    3–5 seconds
    Lasts
    as long as the capsaicin is processing: about five minutes for a jalapeño
    Ends
    a slow drift down, or instantly if he drinks milk

  • Sugar vibration

    It builds over three seconds like a phone buzzing, then rattles tools and cans off anything within about six feet. His voice stutters.

    Onset
    about 3 seconds
    Lasts
    about 10 seconds per 10 grams of sugar
    Ends
    dead stop, no taper; he feels he could run seven hundred miles

  • Dairy invisibility

    A soft pop like a soap bubble, then a Zog-shaped absence. He is still solid and still talking. Whatever he is holding stays visible.

    Onset
    about 3 seconds
    Lasts
    about 30 seconds per 8-oz glass; glasses add
    Ends
    he comes back layer by layer

  • Peanut butter the tongue

    Nothing. Then, without warning, the tongue: three feet long, pink-green, prehensile and entirely involuntary.

    Onset
    11 minutes 40 seconds
    Lasts
    about 90 seconds
    Ends
    the snap of a tape measure

    Onset 11:40. Do not repeat.

Height scales with heat

  1. Taco Hacienda Mild packetsix inches of hover
  2. Taco Hacienda Hot packetthree to four feet
  3. Fresh jalapeño, or a Fuego packetthe ceiling (nine feet in the garage)
  4. Habanerorooflines and treetops, about 25 feet; not tested indoors
  5. Ghost pepperuntested and forbidden. Li's projection: low orbit is not ruled out.

When they mix

  • Milk cancels levitation instantly. He falls, invisibly, so stand underneath.
  • Sugar while he is levitating makes him vibrate in midair.
  • Milk and sugar together: invisible and vibrating. Tools rattle around nothing.
  • Two spicy doses don't add up. The hotter one wins.
  • The whole chart inside an hour works once, and costs a day. He goes pale and shaky until the next morning.

Also tested

  • Tacos ("folded meat bread"): no lift without a sauce packet. His stomach glows like a green lava lamp for hours. He calls it the greatest achievement of human civilization.
  • Cheddar Saturns: the control group. No reaction beyond a faint orange glow, the only warm color he makes. The cheese dust is below the dairy threshold.
  • Banana: nothing. It tastes like Zogarian Compound 7, which they use as insulation.
  • Nacho Torpedoes: his stomach glows brighter for about ten minutes. It makes a usable night-light.
  • Luncheon Loaf: no reaction. Even alien biology rejects it.

The chart goes up on the garage wall in Book Three, Food Fight. Its cold open is free to read.