18+ Adult comedy: strong language, crude humour and alien anatomy jokes. For readers 18 and over.Adult comedy, for readers 18 and over.

Not on sale. The books are not on sale yet. Nothing on this site takes orders or payments.No orders, no payments.

BakerfieldUnearthed
H-ED clearance 0/10

Fictional case files from the novels

Agent Dale Buckley's files on Bakerfield, Ohio: the five, the Subject, the town, and his own trousers. They live in the only filing cabinet at H-ED's Bakerfield Station, a desk in the guardhouse of a radar base that closed before any of the five were born.

H-ED is invented. These are fictional documents from a comic novel series; no real agency, seal or form is imitated.

An open manila folder on a grey desk: a typed H-ED field report on a subject described as definitely an alien, with several lines blacked out, a blurry photo of a small green figure labelled Exhibit A (it's him), and a yellow sticky note reading Sweden?? (check this).

Bakerfield Station · Cabinet 1 · Drawer 1 of 1

Show

The whole drawer: 24 files, in the order the agent opened them.

Persons of interest. Several of them are not interesting.

People and animals working for H-ED, some of them knowingly.

Things. One of them is concrete. One of them keeps falling down.

Places the agent has been. One of them was round.

Definitely aliens. Two of these files are sealed.

How to read a file

  • Blacked out until you read Book Six
  • ClearedA line you have declassified
  • Red markerPruitt, from headquarters
  • Grey markerBuckley, to himself

The name on each file is the real one. Inside, the agent writes codenames, and some names he never learned. File numbers are the month and day a file was opened; personnel files carry the agent's number. H-ED does not print years.

  1. ASSET

    File no. HED-0047-B Class. RESTRICTED

    Agent Dale Raymond Buckley

    Field designation: Sierra-Foxtrot-Seven

    Filed by H-ED Personnel

    ACTIVE

    ID photo: a man in a black trench coat and sunglasses, holding a small notebook.
    ID photo (sunglasses not removed)
    Rank
    Field Agent, eleven years. Youngest of H-ED’s forty-seven agents, at 38. Last hire before the hiring freeze.

    Requested a helicopter, minimum. Received a coupon for ten percent off a helicopter tour in Nevada. — C.P.

    Open the fileClose the file 14 more boxes · 6 blacked out
    Authorization code
    Tango-Foxtrot-Seven-Niner.
    Record
    Twenty-three investigations. Zero confirmed extraterrestrial contacts (before Bakerfield).
    Reviews
    ‘Dedicated.’ ‘Persistent.’ ‘Unlikely to stop even when directly ordered to.’
    Prior incident
    The Buckley Incident, Roswell. Agent’s description: ‘the time I was right and nobody listened.’ Evidence recovered: one fragment. Evidence lost by the lab: one fragment. Agent now carries zipper bags.
    Posting
    Bakerfield Station: a desk in the guardhouse of a closed radar base, watching a sensor array nobody had checked since the base shut. Eighteen months of nothing. Then, on a Tuesday in October, it pinged.
    Residence
    Bakerfield Motor Lodge, room 6. Weekly rate.
    Vehicle
    Sedan. Left taillight flickers. Bumper sticker: H-ED: WE’RE STILL HERE, from the agency’s only merchandise run.
    Dress
    Black trench coat in all weather. Sunglasses in all light, including none. Badge reading H-ED in large letters.
    Underwear
    Budget
    Health
    Arrest
    Bail posted by
    Final report

  2. ASSET

    File no. HED-0047-M Class. ROUTINE

    Deputy Director Catherine Pruitt

    Memo, attached to HED-0047-B

    Filed by Deputy Director C. Pruitt

    DENIED

    From
    Deputy Director C. Pruitt, H-ED headquarters.
    To
    Agent D. R. Buckley, Bakerfield Station.
    Re
    Your request to open a file on your Deputy Director.
    Decision
    Denied. I’m not a subject. I’m your supervisor.

    Filed anyway. — D.R.B.

    Open the fileClose the file 10 more boxes · 6 blacked out
    Description, since you asked
    A voice on a phone. The video-conferencing budget was cut. You won’t be seeing my face.
    Headquarters
    A former electronics store in a strip mall in Langley. The old sign still shows on the brick: VOLT-O-RAMA — STEREOS · PAGERS · BATTERIES. One monitor. One map. One coffee machine, which drips aggressively. One bucket, for the ceiling.
    Staff
    Forty-seven agents. Hiring freeze. You’re the youngest. Don’t let it go to your head.
    Armory
    A locked closet. Three butterfly nets, one plastic food tub with a lid, one tranquilizer gun. The sedative expired seven years ago. Please stop asking for the key.
    Re: your stomach
    Budget
    Analysis
    Re: the raccoon
    Re: the footage
    Re: your report

  3. NON-TERRESTRIAL

    File no. HED-1014-A Class. CLASSIFIED

    The craft

    Incident file: H-ED/BKF/001, Unidentified descent, Bakerfield OH

    OPEN

    A rounded green-grey craft the size of a car, mostly under a blue tarp, green light leaking out along the floor.
    Exhibit B: under the tarp
    Event
    Unidentified descent, woods east of Starfighter Lane. Tuesday, 2110 hours.

    A tarp is not evidence, Agent Buckley. — C.P.

    Open the fileClose the file 9 more boxes · 5 blacked out
    Detected by
    The H-ED sensor array at Bakerfield Station, unchecked since the base closed. It pinged.
    Size
    A large sedan.
    Shape
    A seedpod. The hull looks grown, not built. Green light leaks through the cracks.
    Location
    Ignition
    Flights observed
    None.
    Search
    Detector
    Current location

  4. NON-TERRESTRIAL

    File no. HED-1014-B Class. H-ED EYES ONLY

    Zog

    Codename: THE SUBJECT

    OPEN

    Lineup photo: a small bright-green alien with a huge oval head and enormous black eyes, in a backwards red cap and a T-shirt that says NOT AN ALIEN.
    Exhibit A (it's him)
    Height
    Approximately three feet.
    Color
    Green. Brighter when upset.
    Assessment
    Definitely an alien.

    ‘Definitely’ is not an assessment level, Agent Buckley. — C.P.

    Open the fileClose the file 14 more boxes · 9 blacked out
    Head
    Large. Oval. Arrives a moment after the rest of him.
    Eyes
    Two. Black. Very large. Reflect whatever is in front of them, including this agent.
    Fingers
    Three per hand.
    Antennae
    None. Agent checked twice.
    Disguise
    A white T-shirt to the knees reading NOT AN ALIEN in marker. Backwards cap. Human sneakers, used.
    Shirt
    Weapon
    Alias
    Observation
    Contact
    Search
    Observation
    Incident
    Final assessment

  5. SUBJECT

    File no. HED-1015-C Class. RESTRICTED

    Sam Whitmore

    Codename: THE HOODIE

    OPEN

    Lineup photo: a young man with messy brown hair in a red hoodie, hands in the front pocket.
    Lineup, 5 ft 10 (slouching)
    Age
    18. Senior, Bakerfield High.

    He’s eighteen and owns a sweatshirt, Agent Buckley. That’s not a profile. — C.P.

    Open the fileClose the file 8 more boxes · 3 blacked out
    Role
    Owns the garage. Leader by default. Nobody voted.
    Dress
    Red hooded sweatshirt. The same one, daily. Unwashed (assessed at three feet).
    Residence
    Starfighter Lane, the house with the garage. Mother works doubles at the county hospital laundry. Mother has not been observed entering the garage. Ever.
    Verbal tic
    ‘Oh, this is going to suck.’ Said before every operation. Correct every time.
    Tell
    Hand to the back of the neck when lying. Lies to this agent more than the other four combined.
    Incident
    Search
    Statement

  6. SUBJECT

    File no. HED-1015-D Class. RESTRICTED

    Kevin Marsh

    Codename: THE COUCH

    OPEN

    Lineup photo: a stocky young man with half-closed eyes in a green patched jacket, eating from a purple bag of Cheddar Saturns.
    Lineup (eating)
    Age
    18. Senior in the loosest sense. Tests at the top of everything. Rarely enters the building.

    Says ‘Cool.’ Means nothing by it. Or everything. Unclear. — D.R.B.

    Open the fileClose the file 10 more boxes · 3 blacked out
    Supplies
    Cheddar Saturns, purple bag, at all times. Source: under investigation. No leads.
    Dress
    Green canvas jacket covered in patches. Cargo shorts in all weather. A new graphic T-shirt every time.
    Patches
    From many states. Assessment: a courier.
    Hands
    Orange dust on the first two fingers of the right hand. Also, often, one cheek.
    Eyes
    Half-lidded. Has not been observed fully awake.
    Movement
    Does not walk when he can shuffle. Does not stand when he can lean. Does not lean when he can sit.
    Residence
    His grandmother’s house, Sabre Drive. Grandmother, 81, plays the console nightly. Reportedly better than all of them.
    Name for this agent
    Search
    Observation

  7. SUBJECT

    File no. HED-1015-E Class. RESTRICTED

    Eddie Kowalski

    Codename: THE SPIKES

    OPEN

    Lineup photo: a skinny young man with seven spiky blond points of hair, grinning, in a tank top with a flaming skull.
    Lineup, 6 ft 2 with hair
    Age
    19. Held back one year. Subject states the reason was political. School records state: gym.

    Seven. I counted twice. — D.R.B.

    Open the fileClose the file 11 more boxes · 6 blacked out
    Hair
    Seven spikes, blond. Counted. Seven.
    Dress
    Tank top with a flaming skull, in all weather, including November. Arms: cold. Subject denies it.
    Volume
    His whisper is everyone else’s speaking voice. Surveillance audio of this subject is unusable. It clips.
    Residence
    Above the closed sub shop on Main Street.
    Record
    Seventh-grade hot dog contest: fourteen. Still the record. Verified.
    Incident
    Claim
    Operation
    Claim
    Statement
    Transaction

  8. SUBJECT

    File no. HED-1015-F Class. RESTRICTED

    Carlos Reyes

    Codename: THE FLANNEL

    OPEN

    Lineup photo: a tall, broad-shouldered young man with short dark hair, arms crossed, in a red plaid flannel with an EZ-STOP name tag.
    Lineup, 6 ft 3 (arms crossed)
    Age
    20. Graduated. Works.

    Different flannel every time. The agent is keeping a list. — D.R.B.

    Open the fileClose the file 10 more boxes · 6 blacked out
    Employment
    Shift lead, EZ-STOP. Name tag: CARLOS R. — SHIFT LEAD. Forgets to take it off.
    Build
    Six foot three. Tallest of the five. Shoulders: significant.
    Dress
    Plaid flannel over a white T-shirt. A different flannel every time. Assessment: a disguise, and a good one.
    Vehicle
    Family minivan, maroon. The sliding door opens only from the outside. Assessment: a holding cell.
    Incident
    Incident
    Transaction
    Incident
    Statement
    Observation

  9. SUBJECT

    File no. HED-1015-G Class. RESTRICTED

    Li Wei Chen

    Codename: THE GLASSES

    OPEN

    Lineup photo: a slim young man with neat black hair and round black glasses, pushing them up with one finger, grey shirt tucked in.
    Lineup (adjusting glasses)
    Age
    19. Deferred college one year. Reason on record: to save money.

    A lab assistant is not a mastermind, Agent Buckley. — C.P.

    Open the fileClose the file 10 more boxes · 4 blacked out
    Assessment
    The brains. Correct about ninety-four percent of the time. Listened to about twelve.
    Employment
    Paid lab assistant to the science teacher, Bakerfield High. Has keys to the chemistry prep room.
    Glasses
    Round. Oversized. Pushed up with one finger before every number.
    Dress
    Light-grey button-down, tucked in. Always tucked in.
    Beverage
    A green soda. Holds it badly.
    Vehicle
    Secondhand compact. Dent in the rear bumper.
    Observation
    Observation
    Search
    Observation

  10. NON-TERRESTRIAL

    File no. HED-1015-H Class. CLASSIFIED

    Zogarium

    Codename: THE GREEN SUBSTANCE

    OPEN

    Name known to H-ED
    None.

    Do not drink it. (Note to self.) — D.R.B.

    Open the fileClose the file 10 more boxes · 7 blacked out
    Appearance
    Green. Glowing. Settles like snow in a globe when left alone.
    Sound
    A high hum: a power line crossed with a singing bowl.
    Assessment
    Fuel. Or a sports drink.
    Recovery
    Statement
    Street name
    Observation
    Residue
    Observation
    Report

  11. LOCATION

    File no. HED-1015-J Class. CLASSIFIED

    The garage

    Starfighter Lane, two doors from the dead end

    OPEN

    Inside a two-car garage at night: a pegboard of tools, a shovel, sticky notes and a bicycle on the wall. No spacecraft.
    Exhibit C: interior, night
    Type
    Two-car. Half a flight down from the kitchen. Roll-up door. Side window.

    Everyone in Ohio has a garage, Agent Buckley. — C.P.

    Open the fileClose the file 10 more boxes · 7 blacked out
    Smell
    Processed cheese, adolescent body odor, ozone.
    Light at night
    Green, under the door.
    Homeowner
    Has not been observed entering. Ever.
    Door
    Contents
    Utilities
    Search
    Finding
    Observation
    Tactical team

  12. LOCATION

    File no. HED-1015-K Class. ROUTINE

    The containment bubble

    Field Office B (spherical)

    OCCUPIED

    Type
    Sphere. Purple. About seven feet across. The surface ripples in rings, one every four seconds, faster when the occupant is upset. They were fast.

    Temporary field office. Rent: none. Plumbing: see Air. — D.R.B.

    Open the fileClose the file 12 more boxes · 11 blacked out
    Gravity inside
    None. Occupant floats upright, a hand’s width off the ground.
    Deployed
    Location
    Duration
    Air
    Entry
    View
    Visitors
    Air, continued
    Release
    Ground
    Residue

  13. ASSET

    File no. HED-1015-L Class. CLASSIFIED

    The raccoon

    Field asset, unpaid

    ACTIVE

    Species
    Raccoon. Female. One torn ear, which is how you tell her from the others.

    The only constant. — D.R.B.

    Open the fileClose the file 9 more boxes · 9 blacked out
    First contact
    Status
    Supply
    Source
    Communications
    Associates
    Designation
    Deployment
    Source, revised

  14. OBJECT

    File no. HED-1015-M Class. H-ED EYES ONLY

    Agent Buckley's trousers

    One pair, agent's own

    UNSECURED

    A man in a trench coat and sunglasses, arms out in alarm, his trousers around his ankles and striped boxers showing.
    Incident (typical)
    Item
    Trousers, one pair. Worn under the coat, in theory.

    H-ED does not issue belts, Agent Buckley. Buy one. — C.P.

    Open the fileClose the file 10 more boxes · 8 blacked out
    Belt buckle
    Non-standard size. Fits no belt sold in this country. Assessment: tampered with by the Subject.
    Frequency
    Once per operation, minimum. In public if possible.
    Incident
    Incident
    Incident
    Incident
    Incident
    Incident
    Incident
    Incident

  15. SUBJECT

    File no. HED-1017-A Class. ROUTINE

    Principal Hendricks

    Bakerfield High, home of the Fighting Possums

    OPEN

    Position
    Principal, Bakerfield High. Nine years.

    Not everyone who says ‘okay’ is compromised, Agent Buckley. Some people are tired. — C.P.

    Open the fileClose the file 7 more boxes · 3 blacked out
    Retirement
    Two years away. Subject’s own count: ‘Two years.’
    Office
    Two posters: BELIEVE! and REACH FOR THE STARS! The second one has a coffee stain.
    Investigations opened
    None. Ever.
    Assessment
    Compromised. Revised: tired.
    Enrollment
    Locker assigned
    Observation

  16. SUBJECT

    File no. HED-1017-B Class. ROUTINE

    Mr. Patterson

    Science, twenty-three years

    OPEN

    Position
    Science teacher, Bakerfield High. Twenty-three years.

    You can’t subpoena a chemistry test, Agent Buckley. — C.P.

    Open the fileClose the file 5 more boxes · 3 blacked out
    Description
    Cardigan. Chalk on one cuff. Safety goggles pushed up on his head. Appears unaware of them.
    Staff
    Employs the Glasses as a paid lab assistant.
    Test
    Grade awarded
    Assessment

  17. SUBJECT

    File no. HED-1017-C Class. ROUTINE

    Tyler Briggs

    Varsity wrestling

    OPEN

    Age
    18. Senior.

    Large. Loud. A danger mainly to furniture. — D.R.B.

    Open the fileClose the file 7 more boxes · 4 blacked out
    Build
    Six foot two. Two hundred pounds. Flat-top. Scowl: permanent.
    Record
    Undefeated. Never pinned. Subject mentions this.
    Hot dogs
    Seventh-grade contest: second place, thirteen. First place: the Spikes, fourteen.
    Incident
    Incident
    Statement
    Assessment

  18. OBJECT

    File no. HED-1021-A Class. H-ED EYES ONLY

    Mrs. Henderson's gnome

    Garden ornament, front yard

    UNDER OBSERVATION

    Location
    Mrs. Henderson’s yard, the last house on Starfighter Lane, beside the birdbath and a rosebush.

    It is a garden gnome, Agent Buckley. — C.P.

    Open the fileClose the file 11 more boxes · 8 blacked out
    Height
    Eighteen inches.
    Material
    Concrete, painted. Red hat. White beard. Rosy cheeks.
    Equipment
    One fishing rod. Plastic. Glued on. No fish.
    Observation
    Designation
    Offering
    Blinks
    Damage
    Owner's nephew
    Second unit
    Agent Park's assessment

  19. OBJECT

    File no. HED-1114-A Class. ROUTINE

    The EZ-STOP Slush-O machine

    Frozen-drink dispenser, corner unit, Main Street

    OUT OF ORDER

    Broken since
    Four years. An electrical surge.

    It has never worked. It will never work. Some things in this town are exactly what they look like. — D.R.B.

    Open the fileClose the file 8 more boxes · 3 blacked out
    Repair quote
    $340. Authorized by nobody.
    Location
    The EZ-STOP, corner unit of the Main Street strip mall, near the hot-dog roller.
    Sign
    OUT OF ORDER, handwritten, taped on. The tape has gone the color of weak tea.
    Repair requests
    Four, one a year, all from the same employee. Read by nobody.
    Assessment
    Non-functional. Therefore not alien. Therefore not relevant.
    Purchase nearby
    Inspection
    Observation

  20. NON-TERRESTRIAL

    File no. HED-1117-A Class. CLASSIFIED

    Z.A.R.A.

    Codename: THE COMPUTER

    OPEN

    Name known to H-ED
    None.

    Something in that garage is smarter than all six of them. — D.R.B.

    Open the fileClose the file 7 more boxes · 4 blacked out
    Location
    Inside the craft, presumably. Or everywhere. Unclear.
    Voice
    Never heard by this agent.
    Relationship to the Subject
    The computer is the brains. The Subject is the face.
    Route
    Assessment
    Lettering
    Suspected

  21. SUBJECT

    File no. HED-1127-A Class. RESTRICTED

    Elena Reyes

    Mother of the Flannel

    OPEN

    Employment
    Circulation clerk, Bakerfield Public Library. Twenty-two years. Afternoons.

    She’s a librarian, Agent Buckley. Leave her alone. — C.P.

    Open the fileClose the file 6 more boxes · 4 blacked out
    Residence
    Thunderchief Court. Two stories. Flowers along the front walk.
    Description
    Reading glasses on a beaded cord. Apron. Never hurries. Never has to move twice.
    Knows what the Subject is
    Witness
    Observation
    Observation

  22. SUBJECT

    File no. HED-1127-B Class. ROUTINE

    Maria Reyes

    File withdrawn (minor)

    WITHDRAWN

    Age
    14. Freshman, Bakerfield High.

    She’s fourteen, Agent Buckley. H-ED doesn’t keep files on minors. Withdrawn. — C.P.

    Open the fileClose the file 4 more boxes · 2 blacked out
    Description
    Phone in a cracked case with a possum sticker. High ponytail. Sits very still while she watches someone. It is the only time she is still.
    Observation
    Observation
    Assessment
    The only person in Bakerfield doing surveillance properly. Recommended action: none. She is fourteen.

  23. NON-TERRESTRIAL

    File no. HED-1215-A Class. DIRECTOR'S DESK

    Sealed file

    One file, sealed by headquarters. It opens when you mark Book Ten read.

  24. NON-TERRESTRIAL

    File no. HED-1215-B Class. DIRECTOR'S DESK

    Sealed file

    One file, sealed by headquarters. It opens when you mark Book Nine read.

End of drawer. Nothing else is filed here.